We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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