I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my shit smells like andre
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
