Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
