Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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