If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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