last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize
