New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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