Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
