I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
