just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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