We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
