well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
