Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He felt like a one man threesome
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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