All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i now understand why vodka
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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