So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
