Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
