so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
