Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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