She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
