I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
