Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
