I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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