sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
