Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
