If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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