TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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