he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
