everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize