i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
