what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
