Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
