i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
