WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
