Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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