forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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