I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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