Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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