This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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