Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
