dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
