I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
