I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize