corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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