so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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