Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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