After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
