In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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