Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
