I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I AM VODKA MAN
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
