It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
