i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize