Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
