Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
