I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
