i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
