Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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