I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
