I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
