i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
