You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
