Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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