Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
