He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
