I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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