my shit smells like andre
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
