I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize