Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
