I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
