totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I need to wash the frat house off of me
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
