this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
