the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
