On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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