here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
