Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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